Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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