DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
