You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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