when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
