she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
