I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
