i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm just crazy horny about you
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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