I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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