my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
