dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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