Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
