it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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