I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
