I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
third nipple confirmed
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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