i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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