Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
