goodnight i made you a song goodbye
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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