Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
