just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
