he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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