you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
