So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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