Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
