she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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