nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I want to fling myself into the sun
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
