dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
