mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
