If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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