apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We need to get me chipped asap
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Oh god it's open bar.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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