hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
