Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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