I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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