Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
