I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
