Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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