my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
