Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
