My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
