Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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