i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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