I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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