i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
