she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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