i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
