You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
