watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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