I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There's always time for handjobs
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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