Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
