i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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