my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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