A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
