Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
