I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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